My Favorite Simpson's Episode #9

Home Sweet Home- Diddily- Dum- Doodily

Marge: Here's your toast, Maggie!  I melbafied it myself.
        [Lisa walks in]
       Oh, Lisa, honey, I tracked down those old newspapers for your
       history project.
 Lisa: Wow, Mom.  You didn't have to go to _this_ much trouble.
Marge: Oh, it was no trouble.  The hobos at the dump were very
       helpful...except one man seemed to have mental problems.
 Bart: [walks in] 'Morning.
Marge: Bart, it's class photo day.  No dracula fangs!
 Bart: But they told us to wear them.
Marge: No they didn't!  [pulls them from Bart's mouth]
        [sees "I'm a stupid baby" taped to Lisa's back] Huh?
       And don't put signs on your sister.
        [gives the kids their lunches]
       Now, keep the lettuce separate until 11:30.  That way, the
       lettuce stays moist and the bread stays dry!  Huh?  Huh?
-- Another Simpson family morning, "Home Sweet Home-Diddily-Dum-Doodily"

 Lisa: Mom, you fuss over us _way_ too much.
Marge: Enjoy it now, because when you're a grownup you'll have to take
       care of yourself!
Homer: [whining] Marge, there's a spider near my car keys.
Marge: You did the right thing by telling me.
        [walks away] Shoo!  Get out of here.
Homer: [sighs] Ah, that's better.
-- Chain of command, "Home Sweet Home-Diddily-Dum-Doodily"

   Homer: Now that we're alone, papa bear has a little honey for his
          mama bear.  [gives Marge a pair of tickets]
   Marge: [chuckles] [gasps, reads] "Good for a three hour getaway at
          the Mingled Waters Health Spa...mineral bath, facial, massage
          --" How did you afford these?
   Homer: Ho ho, never you mind.
           [flashback to "Springfield Bentley" store]
           [Homer sits in a Bentley wearing a monocle with a salesman]
   Homer: [forced British accent] What advantages does this motor car
          have over, say, a train -- which I could also afford?
Salesman: Well, you'll notice how the heated gas pedal warms you feet
          while --
           [Homer floors it and they speed away]
           [two seconds later] -- gently massages your buttocks.
          Well, Count Homer, shall we discuss the --
   Homer: No, we sha'n't.
           [pulls passes from the Salesman's pocket]
          Yoink!  [runs off]
-- Monocles a man maketh, "Home Sweet Home-Diddily-Dum-Doodily"

Marge: Homey, this is so sweet, but I can't possibly go now.  The sink
       is full of dirty dishes, the trash needs to be taken out, the
       living room is a mess --
Homer: Oh, we'll clean up this afternoon.
Marge: What about Maggie?
Homer: I got my dad to look after her.
  Abe: [suddenly] Behind you!
Marge: [jumps] Yee!  Don't _do_ that!
  Abe: [sputters] Don't do _that_!
Homer: Come on, honey: you work yourself _stupid_ for this family.  If
       anyone deserves to be wrapped up in seaweed and buried in mud,
       it's you.
Marge: Hmm.  Uh, all right, but I'm taking something to iron with me in
       the car -- [gets yanked away]
-- Faithful to the last, "Home Sweet Home-Diddily-Dum-Doodily"

At Springfield Elementary, the grade four students line up for a photo.

    Edna: Tighten those braids, Missy...hoist your flag, Dooley...
          Nelson, you look adorable.
  Nelson: I feel like punching myself.
    Edna: Bart, stop scratching.  You're messing up your hair.
           [goes to comb it, sees bugs hopping around in his hair]
          Aah!  Lice?!  How on earth does a boy get head lice in _this_
          day and age?
           [flashback to Bart with a monkey on his head]
Milhouse: We bought a wicker basket from Pier One, and he was passed out
          inside!
           [back to the present]
    Bart: Hey, how come I get lice and nothing happens to Milhouse?
Milhouse: [pale and shivering] So c-cold, so very very cold...
-- Nothing but the ol' Ebola virus, "Home Sweet Home-Diddily-Dum-
    Doodily"

Skinner watches as Willy burns Bart's lice-infested clothes.

  Willy: See you in hell, you wingless bloodsuckers.
          [lots of little screams are heard as the clothes burn]
Skinner: What kind of parents would permit such a lapse in scalpal
         hygiene?
  Willy: Well, you better check out his sister.  She could be rife with
         them bugs ["boogs"] too!
-- The lice become no more, "Home Sweet Home-Diddily-Dum-Doodily"

Outside, some bully girls play keepaway with Lisa's shoes: they've hung
them up on a telephone wire.

  Girls: Keepaway!  Keepaway.
   Lisa: Hey, come on!  Those are prescription shoes.  I _need_ them.
  Girls: [chanting] You have cooties!  You have cooties!
   Lisa: No I don't!
Skinner: [over PA] Lisa Simpson, report to the Principal's Office for
         head-lice inspection.
          [girls laugh]
          [a soccer ball nails Lisa in the back of the head]
   Lisa: Ow!  [muffled] My...tongue.
    Boy: Heads up.
-- Off to the Principal's Office she goes, "Home Sweet Home-Diddily-Dum-
    Doodily"

When she arrives, her feet are muddy, her hair is messy, and her tongue
lolls out.  "Principal Skinner?  I need some shoes," she lisps.  "Sweet
Georgia Brown!" exclaims Seymour, "Something is rotten at the Simpson
house."  He dials a phone number, and a minute later, a van from the
Springfield child protection agency speeds toward Evergreen Terrace.

Meanwhile, at the spa, Homer and Marge lie in a sauna.  Marge pours some
water on the rocks.

    Marge: [blissful] Mmm...this is so relaxing.  Homey, this was a
           wonderful idea.
    Homer: [chuckles] Yeah.  If that mafia guy weren't staring at us,
           I'd take off my towel.
Mafia guy: [off-camera] Oh, don't mind-a me.  Look, I do it first.
    Marge: Huh?
-- More information than they needed, "Home Sweet Home-Diddily-Dum-
    Doodily"

The child protection agents arrive at the house and can't believe the
mess.

  Goodman: Whoa, would you look at this place?
  Agent 2: [speaking into a tape recorder] Sink full of dirty dishes,
           trash not taken out, living room a mess, stacks of old
           newspapers -- from twenty years ago!
            [Abe sleeps in front of the TV with Snowball II on top]
Announcer: Get ready, gamblers, for the world series of dog racing!
            [Snowball II gets scared and runs off]
      Abe: What the -- [the agents snap some photos] [stammers]
  Goodman: Hmm.  A disheveled and malnourished man found sleeping in his
           own filth, seems confused and dehydrated.
  Agent 2: Where's the baby?
      Abe: Well that's her, ain't it?
            [Maggie drinks from SLH's water bowl]
           Kids love that water.
  Agent 2: [picks Maggie up] Oh my Lord!
            [Maggie has the "I'm a stupid baby" sign on]
  Goodman: Stupid babies need the most attention.
-- Truisms in child raising, "Home Sweet Home-Diddily-Dum-Doodily"

At the spa, Marge and Homer lie in mud baths.  A woman's voice intones
soothingly, "All is well...all is well."  [MR] Suddenly, a man's voice
cuts in: "Turn tape over!"  The tape rewinds, then resumes its gentle
chanting.  The Simpson parents sink blissfully into the mud.

The child protection agents wait at home when Bart and Lisa walk in.

Agent 2: Children, where are your parents?
   Lisa: I don't know.  They should be here.
Goodman: Yes, they _should_ be here.  Tsk, tsk.  Those parents better
         have a good excuse.
  Homer: [walks in] Ah, I love getting away from this dump.
  Marge: It's like I'm on some wonderful drug.
Goodman: Ahem --
  Marge: What's going on here?
Goodman: Child welfare, ma'am.
Agent 2: Here's a little bedtime reading.  [hands Marge a paper]
  Marge: Mmm!  "Squalid hellhole"?  "Toilet paper hung in improper
         overhand fashion"?  "Dogs mating on dining room table"?
          [SLH looks guilty and whines]
-- As opposed to trying to jump over one another, "Home Sweet Home-
    Diddily-Dum-Doodily"

Goodman leads Bart, Lisa, and Maggie outside.

  Marge: What are you doing with my children?
Agent 2: We're taking them where you can't get them!
  Marge: What?  No!  No -- you can't -- I won't let you --
Agent 2: Mrs. Simpson, restrain yourself, or you'll be arrested!
          [the kids are shut in a large van]
Goodman: Now, just relax, kids.  All we're doing is taking you to...
         [sinister] a foster home!  [floors it]
          [the kids press their faces against the back window]
          [Marge and Homer watch, distraught]
          [they pull into the Flanders' house]
   Todd: Yay!
    Ned: Heydily-ho!  Welcome to your new home, neglecterinos.
-- Thanks, Nedoodily, "Home Sweet Home-Diddily-Dum-Doodily"

[End of Act One.  Time: 6:37]

 Goodman: Kids, meet your new foster family.
Rod+Todd: We love you!
    Bart: [getting hugged] Uh...please don't hug me.  It sickens me.
   Maude: I don't judge Homer and Marge.  That's for a vengeful God to
          do.
     Ned: Mm hmm.  All we want to do is give you kids a good home until
          they get their act together.
    Lisa: You don't understand.  Mom and Dad take good care of us.
           [one of her teeth falls out]
          That was a baby tooth.  [whistles on the "th"]
          It was loose!  [whistles on the "s"]
 Agent 2: Don't you worry, little girl.  We'll get you some nice county
          dentures.
-- And that's the tooth, "Home Sweet Home-Diddily-Dum-Doodily"

The police put up barricades and tape around the Simpson house.  The
parents can only watch as their children are led into the Flanders'
home.

Marge: [reading a sign on their door] "Parents are not to communicate
       with children, and must stay at least 100 feet away at all
       times."
Homer: We leave you the kids for three hours and the county takes them
       away?
  Abe: [walking off] Oh, bitch, bitch, bitch.
-- "Home Sweet Home-Diddily-Dum-Doodily"

Dejected, the parents walk inside.

Marge: I can't believe I put my own pleasure ahead of my home and
       family.  That is so like me.
Homer: Oh, Marge, don't blame yourself.  _I'm_ the terrible parent.  The
       boy bugs the hell out of me, I can't help Lisa with her
       homework...the only thing I'm fit to take care of is a
       houseplant.
        [the plant is dead]
       Lousy houseplant!  [shakes it] You son of a -- I'll teach you to
       -- [tires] [sighs] Oh.
-- The adults bemoan their fate, "Home Sweet Home-Diddily-Dum-Doodily"

At the Flanders', Rod and Todd use mini printing presses to play a game
of Reporter.  They produce papers dor "The Flanders Press".

      [Rod shows Todd a headline: "Playtime Is Fun"]
Todd: [gives thumbs-up] Go with it!
Bart: Here you go, Todd: the city edition.
       [headline: "Extra Extra!  Todd Smells"]
 Rod: Bart, I don't know if this should be an "extra".
Todd: Is your source on this reliable?
-- The Flanders kids miss the point, "Home Sweet Home-Diddily-Dum-
    Doodily"

Bart: [shudders] I hate this place.
Lisa: Yeah.  It seems like our house, but everything's got a creepy Pat
      Boone-ish quality to it.
 Ned: Hey, kids!  Nachos, Flanders style -- that's cucumbers with
      cottage cheese.
       [Rod and Todd gleefully take some]
       [Lisa takes one and sniffs it suspiciously]
       [Bart eats one, then spits it out]
      Oh, Bart, I know you're still getting adjusted here.  Tell you
      what: we'll do whatever _you_ want to do.
Bart: Watch "Itchy and Scratchy"!
 Ned: Well, I guess a _little_ television won't hurt.  [whispers] I used
      to let the boys watch "My Three Sons" but it got them all worked
      up before bedtime.
-- "Home Sweet Home-Diddily-Dum-Doodily"

The kids assemble themselves before the TV.  Ned blows the dust off the
remote control and flicks the TV on.  The I&S theme music begins and the
screen shows the title: "Foster Pussycat!  Kill!  Kill!"

Scratchy reads "Nice" magazine in a rocking chair when the doorbell
rings.  He looks both ways out the spyhole, then his eye bulges out as
he looks down.  He undoes the many door locks and bolts, grabs a
shotgun, then opens the door a crack and points the gun at the basket
that's been left on his doorstep.  He throws the blanket aside and sees
a young Itchy with a baby bonnet sucking on a bottle.  His heart fills
with love and he cuddles the youngster to him.  Itchy smashes his
bottle, laughing, and uses it to dig two big bloody hunks out of
Scratchy's chest.  Scratchy collapses, and Itchy walks over him into the
house, then back out again with a TV.  He walks away laughing, leaving a
trail of bloody footprints.  Scratchy has the strength remaining to
weep, "Why?  Why?  My only son," whereafter he collapses.

As usual, Bart and Lisa love it.  Rod and Todd, however, are pale and
shaky.

 Rod: Daddy, what's the red stuff coming out of kitty's ears?
 Ned: Uh, that's, that's just, er, raspberry jam.
Todd: Dad, should I poke Rod with a sharp thing like the mouse did?
 Ned: No, son.  No sirree, bob.
-- Rod and Todd, meet Itchy and Scratchy, "Home Sweet Home-Diddily-Dum-
    Doodily"

Homer peeks through a venetian blind toward the Flanders' house.

Marge: Can you see them?
Homer: I can see Lisa...but it might be a starfish!  I gotta call them.
       [runs, dials a phone]
Woman: [recording] The number you have dialed can no longer be reached
       from this phone, you [splice] negligent [spice] monster.
Homer: Oh...
Marge: That's it.  We're going downtown to get our kids back -- right
       now!
-- Marge makes a plan, "Home Sweet Home-Diddily-Dum-Doodily"

Marge and Homer plead their case before the judge from 1F20.

Marge: We've always tried to be good parents.  Please!  I'm begging you,
       one mother to another.  You must have a family?
Judge: No, I don't care for children.
Homer: Well, wait a minute!  OK, I'm not going to win "Father of the
       Year".  In fact, I'm probably the last guy in the world who
       should have kids.  I --
        [the judge looks at him sternly]
       Er, well, er, wait...can I start again?
       Fathering children is the best part of my day.  I'd do _anything_
       for Bart and Lisa!
Judge: And, er, Margaret?
Homer: Who?  Lady, you got the wrong file.
Marge: [whispering] It's Maggie!
Homer: Oh, Maggie.  Er, I got nothing against Maggie.
-- The true sign of a loving parent, "Home Sweet Home-Diddily-Dum-
    Doodily"

Judge: I can see you sincerely want your children back, but you have a
       lot to learn about being parents.  Before I can return your
       children, you'll have to complete a course called "Family
       Skills".  It teaches parents to listen to their --
Homer: Communication, gotcha.
Judge: But it's important to --
Homer: Listen, yes, I know.
Judge: But there's more to it than --
Homer: I have listening skills!
Judge: Mr. Simpson, would you please --
Homer: Shut up, Judge!
-- Homer lays down the law, "Home Sweet Home-Diddily-Dum-Doodily"

At the Flanders dinner table, Ned plays peekaboo with Maggie.  Maggie
laughs with delight.

 Bart: I never heard Maggie laugh like that before.
 Lisa: Well, when was the last time Dad gave her that kind of attention?
 Bart: When she swallowed that quarter, he spent all day with her.
 Lisa: I thought I could ride this thing out, but everything's just too
       weird here.
 Bart: I know.  They put honey on pancakes instead of maple syrup.
 Lisa: They read "Newsweek" instead of nothing.
  Ned: Come on, you bloomy Guses.  Who's up for a big bowl of nonfat ice
       milk?
  Rod: I want wintergreen!
Maude: Unflavored for me.
        [Bart and Lisa look at each other]
-- Mmm, unflavored nonfat ice milk, "Home Sweet Home-Diddily-Dum-
    Doodily"

In the "Family Skills" class, Marge relates the story of her children's
confiscation to the class.

  Marge: And then I saw my boy in a burlap sack, and they told me he had
         lice.  [sniffs]
   Flub: [in a burlap sack with lice] Is this story going somewhere?
Goodman: All right, Flub, we're all going to get a chance.  Mrs.
         Skinner, why are you here?
 Mrs. S: The county is threatening to take my Seymour away, d'oh.  We
         had another fight over the inflatable bath pillow.  I keep
         screeching and screeching at him but --
Goodman: All right, very good.
-- The end of their antiquing dates, "Home Sweet Home-Diddily-Dum-
    Doodily"

Goodman: Now, who knows how the Skinners could have resolved this
         problem?
          [everyone puts their hands up]
         Without resorting to violence.
          [all hands but one descend]
         Or childish name-calling.
          [the last hand comes down] Anybody?  [nope] OK.  That's OK,
         because making a happy home isn't like flipping on a light
         switch.
 Cletus: Duh, light switch?
Goodman: There are a lot of little tricks to it, things you should have
         learned a long time ago.  Such as, if you leave milk out, it
         can go sour.  Put it in the refrigerator, or, failing that, a
         cool wet sack.
          [much later]
         And put your garbage in a garbage can, people.  I can't stress
         that enough.  Don't just throw it out the window.
  Marge: This is so humiliating.
  Homer: [writing furiously] "Garbage in garbage can"...hmm, makes
         sense.
-- Homer, note-taker, "Home Sweet Home-Diddily-Dum-Doodily"

Bart and Lisa spend their first night at the Flanders' house.

     Ned: Good night, my little foundlingadings.
    Bart: But it's only 7:00.
    Lisa: Yeah, the sun is still out.
           [she lifts the blinds to show most kids still playing]
           [Ned pulls them back down]
    Kids: [sighing] Oh...
           [Ned and Maude check on Maggie in her playpen]
   Maude: [singing] They say your folks can't pay the rent,
          So we're watching you by act of government.
     Ned: [singing] Well, I don't know if the allegations are true,
          But you got us, and baby, we got you.
Together: Babe, we got you, babe.
-- Maude's butt tries to be as high as Cher's, "Home Sweet Home-Diddily-
    Dum-Doodily"

Lisa: You know, Maggie hasn't been a Simpson as long as us.  I think
      she's beginning to forget Mom and Dad.
Bart: Remember how Mom used to microwave our underwear on cold days?
Lisa: Or the way used to call the radio station with fake traffic?
       [they both laugh, then sigh]
      They're ten feet away, and we can't even talk to them.  I wish I
      could tell them how much I miss them.
-- Fish out of water, "Home Sweet Home-Diddily-Dum-Doodily"

The Simpson parents, meanwhile, sit at home and miss their children.

Marge: It's so quiet here without the kids.
Homer: What I wouldn't give to hear Lisa play another one of her jazzy
       tunes.
        [talks into her saxophone to the tune of Beethoven's fifth]
       Saxama-phone!  Saxama-phone!  [sighs] Oh.
Marge: I miss the way Bart would say something, and then say "dude".
Homer: I wish I knew something about the baby I could miss now.
Marge: You mean Maggie?
Homer: [happy] That's it.
-- A baby by any other name, "Home Sweet Home-Diddily-Dum-Doodily"

Marge continues, "I've never been separated from the kids for so long.
I don't know how much more I can take."  Just then, the doorbell rings
multiple times in succession.  "That's Bart's ring!" both parents yell,
then run down to the front door.  When they open it, they're greeted by
the cold night wind.  A paper rustles under the "Welcome" doormat.
Homer picks it up and reads output from the Flanders press.  "`Todd
Smells'.  Oh, I already know that."  Marge implores him to look at the
other side, and when he turns it over, he sees "Simpson Kids Miss Mom &
Dad".  Marge and Homer look out into the night, holding each other.

[End of Act Two.  Time: 14:39]

The "Family Skills" course is almost over, and the agent is testing
Homer and Cletus.

Goodman: OK, let's see if we've learned anything.  I want you two to
         simulate a typical household problem.  Go.
 Cletus: [on Homer's knee] Uh, Pa, I cut my finger on the screen door
         again.
  Homer: Why you cotton-pickin' -- [strangles Cletus]
          [the class looks critically at Homer]
          [to himself] No, I gotta pass this class for my kids.
          [to Cletus] Son, let's stop the fussin' and the feudin'.
 Cletus: [stricken] I love you, Pa!  [weeps]
  Homer: I love you, Cletus!  [weeps]
          [the class cheers; some shoot guns into the air]
-- With a hoedown to celebrate, "Home Sweet Home-Diddily-Dum-Doodily"

At the Flanders' house, everyone sits in a circle on the living room
floor.

      Ned: Well, children, it's Saturday night.  So, what say we let our
           hair down and play "Bombardment"?
Bart+Lisa: Yay!
      Ned: Of Bible questions?
 Rod+Todd: Yay!
      Ned: Which version shall it be?
     Todd: St. James!
      Rod: The Vulgate of St. Jerome!
            [Ned looks through the Bible bookcase]
      Ned: "Vulgate" it is.
     Todd: [disappointed] Aw.
      Ned: OK, for one gold star, what Persian kind exempted the Levites
           from taxation?
      Rod: Artaxerxes!
      Ned: Righty-o!
            [licks a star, sticks it on Rod's face]
-- Whoop de do, "Home Sweet Home-Diddily-Dum-Doodily"

Much later, Todd and Rod are covered with stars (and Todd even coughs up
some), Maggie has a star, and Maude has two.  She looks worriedly at
Ned.

  Ned: Well...?
 Todd: I know!
  Ned: No, son, we've got to let Bart and Lisa get one.  Come on, this
       one's easy.
 Lisa: [pause] We give up.
  Ned: Well, guess!  Book of Revelations, fire-breathing lion's head,
       tail made out of snakes...who else is it going to be?
 Bart: [unsure] Jesus?
  Ned: [yelling] Je...Jes...don't you kids know anything?  The Serpent
       of Rehaboam?
        [the kids look blank]
       The Well of Zohassadar?
        [the kids look blank]
       The Bridal Feast of Beth Chedruharazzeb?
Maude: Wait.  That's the kind of thing you should start learning at
       baptism.
 Lisa: Um, ahem, actually, you see, ahem, we were never baptised.
        [Ned groans and faints]
Maude: Oh!  Neddy?  Neddy?  [waves smelling salts under him]
       Neddy!
  Ned: [wakes up] No, that ain't gonna do it.  [faints again]
-- How to make Ned faint, "Home Sweet Home-Diddily-Dum-Doodily"

It's graduation time from "Family Skills".  Everyone is dressed in gowns
and mortarboards.  They come up two at a time to get their diplomas.

Goodman: I'm very proud of you people.  You've learned how to care for
         your children, you've learned how to maintain your homes, and
         you've all passed a drug test.  Except for Marge -- Marge, you
         tested positive for Crack and PCP.
  Marge: Oh my!
          ["Fifteen minutes later"]
Goodman: OK, the retest says you're clean.  Sorry about the mistake.
  Marge: The only thing I'm high on is love...love for my son and
         daughters.  Yes, a little LSD is all I need.
Goodman: All right, sounds very good.
-- Marge makes drug puns, "Home Sweet Home-Diddily-Dum-Doodily"

The class cheers and throws their mortarboards into the air.  Some class
members fire guns.

Ned still can't get over the fact that Bart and Lisa aren't baptized.

    Ned: Jeepers H. Crackers.  I'd better call the Reverend.
          [pushes "Rev. Lovejoy" button on phone]
          [the Rev is playing with a train set]
 Mrs. L: Heh heh, Ned Flanders is on the phone.
Lovejoy: [groans] Mmm...hello, Ned.
    Ned: [breathless] Reverend...emergency!  I -- it's the Simpson kids
         -- eedily -- I, uh, baptism -- oodily -- uh -- doodily doodily!
Lovejoy: Ned...have you thought about one of the other major religions?
         They're all pretty much the same.  [hangs up]
          [his train crashes]
         Oh.  Damn Flanders!
    Ned: Looks like I'm going to have to baptise you myself.
          [breaks open the Emergency Baptism kit]
          [presses an air horn which plays a bit of the "Hallelujah"
         chorus from Handel's "Messiah"]
-- A poor substitute for Gabriel's trumpet, "Home Sweet Home-Diddily-
    Dum-Doodily"

Homer and Marge come home.  The police start dismantling the barricades
while the parents go next door to get their kids.

Homer: Kids!  We're good parents now.  Get your asses out here!
Marge: We've missed you so much.
        [they gasp at the "Gone Baptizin'" sign on Flanders' door]
       He's going to baptize _our_ children?
Homer: Oh, no!  In the eyes of God they'll be Flanderseseses.
-- Homer confuses possessives, "Home Sweet Home-Diddily-Dum-Doodily"

On the way to the baptism site, Ned reflects on recent events.

   Ned: Until this, I never thought Homer and Marge were bad parents,
        but now I know you kids need a less hellbound family!
 Maude: Just sit back, and before you know it, you'll be part of the
        Flanders flock.
  Bart: Ha ha, you're going to be Lisa Flanders!
  Lisa: You're going to be _Bart_ Flanders.
  Bart: Aah!
 Maude: Oh, relax, Bart.  Your sister Maggie isn't scared.
  Bart: That's because she can't talk.
Maggie: [pulls her pacifier out] Daddily doodily!
         [she turns her head 180 degrees to face Bart and Lisa]
-- Maggie "Linda" Simpson, "Home Sweet Home-Diddily-Dum-Doodily"

Homer and Marge are in hot pursuit.

Marge: Where are we going?  Where are we going?
Homer: OK, OK, don't panic.  To find Flanders, I just have to think like
       Flanders!
        [thinking] I'm a big four-eyed lame-o, and I wear the same
       stupid sweater every day and --
        [aloud] The Springfield River!
-- "Home Sweet Home-Diddily-Dum-Doodily"

At said river, the Flanders family sings the final couple of lines of
"Amazing Grace".  Ned is dressed in priestly garb.

Ned: Today we write a new page in the Flanders Family Bible!
      [he leads the kids into the water]
     Who wants to be the first to enter God's good graces?
      [Bart and Lisa point to each other]
-- You first, "Home Sweet Home-Diddily-Dum-Doodily"

Rev. Lovejoy has a couple of movers helping him move his train track.
As they reach the middle of the road, Homer's car slams through the
board on which the tracks are mounted, destroying it.  Lovejoy implores
heavenward, "Why do you hate my trains?"

At the river, Ned prepares to anoint Bart with water from a golden
chalice.  Homer and Marge arrive, Homer spots the "I (heart) your
children" bumper sticker on Flanders' car, and he growls and runs down
the hill to the river.  On the way, he trips, and bounces down the rest
of the way, coming to rest with his face in the mud on the bank.  He
looks up just in time to see Ned tipping the chalice.  "No!" he cries in
slow-motion, diving toward Bart to knock him out of the way.  He reaches
Bart just in time -- but the baptism water lands on Homer's head
instead.  He writhes around in the river and growls, finally coming to
rest face down.

Bart and Lisa run up to him and hug him.

 Bart: Wow, Dad, you took a baptismal for me.  How do you feel?
Homer: [reverently] Oh, Bartholomew, I feel like St. Augustine of Hippo
       after his conversion by Ambrose of Milan.
  Ned: [gasps] Wait!  Homer, what did you just say?
Homer: I said shut your ugly face, Flanders!
  Ned: Oh, fair enough.
-- Ned, forgiving Christian, "Home Sweet Home-Diddily-Dum-Doodily"

Homer looks toward the bank and sighs, "Oh, there's my sweet little
Maggie."  She looks to his outstretched arms, then over at the Flanders
family, who stand clean and dry on the bank with a butterfly flying and
rabbit hopping around them.  In the water, meanwhile, Homer, Bart, and
Lisa look sodden, and a frog jumps out of the water.  Maggie starts to
walk toward the Flanders, but just then, Marge walks around the corner.
Maggie reaches for her mother, and Marge scoops her up and spins around
with her in the sunlight.  "Oh, Maggie, you're a Simpson again."  As if
in agreement, she pulls out her pacifier and burps.

The Simpson family, reunited at last, hug and walk away.

Marge: So what was it like at the Flanders' house?
Homer: Yeah, gimme all the dirt.
 Lisa: Let's see.  Dirt....dirt...well, there wasn't really much dirt.
 Bart: There was a bunch of old paint cans in the garage, though.
Homer: [laughs scoffingly] Old painty-can Ned.
        [the family laugh too]
-- Humorous epithets, "Home Sweet Home-Diddily-Dum-Doodily"

[End of Act Three.  Time: 21:14]

Over the credits, Homer continues, "I always knew he'd keep his old cans
of paint."  Marge asks, "How do you like that?"
