It's another lazy day at the Springfield Nuclear Power Plant.  Homer
sits snoring at his desk, his old, faithful dog snoozing in a chair next
to him.  Lenny has craftily constructed a hammock for himself in another
room.

In his sleep, Homer rests his head on the control panel in front of him
-- directly on the "PLANT DESTRUCT: PLEASE DO NOT PUSH" button.  The
control room becomes awash in the red glow of emergency lights, and the
automated female voice says, "Core meltdown in ten seconds...nine..."
Homer's dog wakes up, hears the voice, and pulls the reset lever with
his mouth.  The voice announces, "Meltdown averted...good boy."

Mr. Burns, too, is asleep in his chair, its back to his wall of
monitors.  Yes, even the people on the monitors are asleep too.
Smithers sleeps, curled up beside Burns' chair.  His leg twitches, and
he moans softly in his sleep.

Outside, in the parking lot, the Nuclear Inspection Van recreational
vehicle pulls up.  Three white hard-hatted, lab-jacketed inspectors jump
out and press the buzzer at the entrance to the plant.

Agent 1: [presses the buzzer]
  Burns: [awakening, over the intercom] Mmm...hmm...what?  How dare you
         disturb me during nap time.
Agent 1: We're from the Nuclear Regulatory Commission.  This is a
         surprise test of worker competence.
  Burns: There must be some mistake.  We, er, we make cookies here: Mr.
         Burns' Olde-Fashioned Good-Time Extra-Chewy --
Agent 2: [to Agent 3] Get the axe.
-- We've done this before, "Homer Goes to College"

Smithers and Burns watch from the window as the inspectors lead some
plant employees into their vehicle.

   Burns: The watchdog of public safety...is there any lower form of
          life?
Smithers: Don't worry sir, I rounded up our less gifted employees and
          led them into the basement.
           [Shot of the basement with Homer and two other guys]
  Bernie: Duh, Homer, why are we down here?
   Homer: Aw, geez.  I told you, Bernie: to guard the bee!
     Man: [whining] But why?
   Homer: Aw, you guys are pathetic.  No wonder Smithers made me head
          bee-guy.
           [Homer kicks the jar accidentally, smashing it, and the bee
          escapes]
  Bernie: Duh, he's gettin' away.
     Man: Oh, we did bad!
-- No recess for you, "Homer Goes to College"

The inspectors want to test Homer's competence next, but Smithers
apologizes for him, saying, "He couldn't _bee_ here."  Burns fobs them
off with some excuse about Homer chairing a conference on nuclear
fission in Geneva.  Unfortunately, Homer jumps up through a manhole
cover just then, exclaiming, "The bee bit my bottom!  Now my bottom's
big!"

The inspectors put Homer in the van.

Agent 2: Homer, this is an exact replica of your work station.
  Homer: [moans]
Agent 2: Now we're going to simulate a power surge in core sector eight.
  Homer: What the hell are you talking about?
-- This won't look good on a resume, "Homer Goes to College"

Homer is despondent.

  Homer: What do I do?  What do I do?  In the name of God you've got to
         tell me!  [sobbing]
Agent 2: Relax, it's just a simulator.  Nothing can go wrong.
  Homer: [sotto voce] Just poke blindly at the controls until they let
         you go.
-- It's worked before, "Homer Goes to College"

Homer begins doing just that, but something goes horribly wrong.  "This
can't be happening!" exclaims one of the inspectors, as the van begins
to glow green and sink into the ground.  Panic ensues at the plant.
Burns decides to try to get away in his escape pod.  He activates the
entrance to the pod, jumps in, and slams the door shut.  Smithers
implores, "For the love of God, sir, there are two seats!" but Burns
likes to put his feet up.  The pod takes off, but doesn't even come
close to reaching escape velocity.  Instead, it crashes into the street
and continues bouncing down it in a crumpled ball.

A glowing green Homer rises out of the hole left where the van used to
be, growling and fearsome.  "Must destroy mankind," he intones, but the
alarm on his watch goes off, reminding him that it's lunch time.  He
shakes off his radioactivity and bounds off to eat.

The agents watch the detox team spray the hole in the parking lot with a
foamy sealant.

Agent 2: I'm still not sure how he caused the meltdown.  There wasn't
         any nuclear material in the truck!
  Burns: Oh, very well, it's time for your bribe.
         Now, you can either have the washer and dryer where the lovely
         Smithers is standing, or you can trade it all in for what's in
         this box.
-- I can't decide, Monty, "Homer Goes to College"

One inspector wants the box, but the other inspector remembers her
ethics.  She explains that Burns can't make the problem go away just by
throwing money at it, but just then, Mayor Quimby walks by in a fur coat
labeled "$5000" saying that he he's decided there will be no
investigation.  He then leaves.

The inspectors tell Burns that Homer's job requires college training in
nuclear physics.  If he doesn't get Homer up to speed, they tell him,
they'll be forced to take legal action.  "Is that so?" asks Burns.  "I
have the feeling you'll be dropping the charges," he says, emphasizing
"dropping" as he pushes a red button on his desk.  A trap door springs
open, but it's nowhere near where the inspectors are standing.  "The
painters moved your desk," Smithers reminds him.

The doorbell rings at the Simpsons house, and Homer goes to answer it.

 Homer: [answers the door, sees Burns with his lawyers] Aah!
 Burns: Hello, Simpson.  My lawyers and I were in the neighborhood and
        thought we'd stop by.
 Marge: [nervously] Would you like to come in for tea and marshmallow
        squares?
         [The lawyers discuss it quietly amongst themselves]
Lawyer: Yes, he would.
-- Executive decision, "Homer Goes to College"

At the table, Homer asks Burns to confirm that he must go to college.
Bart scoffs, asking Homer, "College?  Barber or Clown?"

   Burns: Remember, your job and the future of your family hinges on
          your successful completion of Nuclear Physics 101.
          Oh, and one more thing: [ominously] you must find the jade
          monkey before the next full moon.
Smithers: Actually sir, we found the jade monkey; it was in your glove
          compartment.
   Burns: And the road maps?  And ice scraper?
Smithers: They were in there too, sir.
   Burns: Ex-cellent!  It's all falling into place.
-- Now as long as there are no meddling kids..., "Homer Goes to College"

That night, in bed, Marge expresses her support for the idea of Homer
going to college.  "You could learn so much," she thinks.  "Maybe you're
right," says Homer, "I did always want to go to college, {but fate stood
in the way."  He thinks back to high school, where his guidance
counselor tried to get him to sign an application, assuring him, "You're
a shoe-in," but Homer gets distracted by a dog with a ham outside.
Sighing, the counselor throws Homer's application away.}

{Back in the present, Homer is filling out college applications.  His
garbage bin is full of crumpled paper.}

Homer: [growls in frustration]
 Lisa: Dad, don't let these application essays throw you.  Let's see:
       "List your three favorite books and how they've influenced your
       life."
Homer: Is "TV Guide" a book?
 Lisa: No.
Homer: "Son of Sniglet"?
 Lisa: No.
Homer: Katherine Hepburn's "Me"?
 Lisa: No!
Homer: Oh, I suck.
-- "Reading Digest" counts, though, "Homer Goes to College"

Homer slaves away at the applications.

Homer: [writing] "...It was the most I ever threw up, and it changed my
       life forever."
 Bart: You the man, Homer!
Homer: Thanks, boy!
-- What it is, "Homer Goes to College"

For the crowning touch, Homer pastes his photo to the application.  The
one he chooses shows him cramming a birthday cake into his mouth, as
Marge looks on worriedly.

 Bart: I dunno, Dad: don't you have a better picture?
Homer: Relax.  A photo can't make any difference.
        [A man and a woman review applications, and they come across
       Homer's]
  Man: [looking at the photo] He looks crazy.
Woman: Agreed.  Reading his essay would only waste valuable seconds.
-- Next!, "Homer Goes to College"

Bart watches TV at home.

Finally!  The great taste of Worcestershire Sauce in a soft drink.
Ah..."Steakie"!
-- A TV commercial, "Homer Goes to College"

Homer walks in and preempts Bart's program for a show about college that
he really should watch.  The show is called "School of Hard Knockers",
and it stars Corey Masterson.

 Prez: [on TV] Dean Bitterman, I hope nothing unsavory happens during my
       visit.  As you know, I _am_ the President of the United States.
 Dean: Oh, don't worry.  I've expelled those rowdy members of Chugalug
       house.
Homer: [watching] Ohh, I hate that lousy Dean!
Corey: [on TV] Your Bra Bomb better work, Nerdlinger!
 Nerd: Hey!
        [Corey presses the plunger; an explosion occurs in the
       background]
        [Many colors of bras rain down on the Dean and the President]
 Dean: Corey?!  Don't worry, Mr. President, I --
        [looks over, sees the President dancing and enjoying himself]
       Mr. President!
 Prez: Lighten up, Bitterman...that youngster will make a perfect
       addition to my cabinet.  Secretary of Partying Down!
 Dean: [growls; a bra falls on his head]
Homer: [triumphant] Yes!  Take _that_, Bitterman.
-- College is _just_ like that, "Homer Goes to College"

Marge brings in the mail: it has the decision letters from all the
colleges Homer applied to.  Sadly, none of them are letters of
acceptance.

 Bart: Well, Pop, what are you going to do?
Homer: [resolutely] Something I should have done a _long_ time ago.
        [long pause]
Marge: You don't know, do you?
Homer: [meekly] No, ma'am.
-- Homer's empty life, "Homer Goes to College"

Burns thinks he has a solution.  He wants to use his power at
Springfield University, where he holds a chair.  But the meeting is more
difficult than he has foreseen.

  Man: I'm sorry, Mr. Burns, but I must object.  This Simpson is not
       qualified!
        [There are nods of agreement]
Burns: I see.  Well, you know, fellows, I look at the admissions board a
       lot like a baseball team.  You all like baseball, don't you?
        [Everyone assents]
       Yes, well, to have a successful baseball club, you need teamwork,
       [Smithers hands him a baseball bat] not some hot-dog admissions
       officer playing by his own rules!
        [Burns starts hitting the man in the head with almost no force]
  Man: [noticing] Er, excuse me, what are you doing?
Burns: I'm giving you the [grunt] beating of your life!
  Man: Look, if -- stop that!  -- you wanted him that badly, why didn't
       you just say so?
Burns: [collapses from exertion] Smithers, dismember the corpse and send
       his widow a corsage.
-- "Homer Goes to College"

Homer is elated: Burns' tactic worked!

Homer: Woo-hoo!  I'm a college man!  I won't need my high school diploma
       any more!  [sets fire to it and starts singing]
       I am so smart!
       I am so smart!
       I am so smart!
       I am so smart!
       S-M-R-T!
       I mean, S-M-A-R-T...
-- You were saying?, "Homer Goes to College"

The fire Homer sets quickly engulfs the diploma and begins spreading to
the wall.

[End of Act One.  Time: 8:07]

At last, it's...

Homer: My first day of college.  I wish my father was alive to see this.
  Abe: [springing up from the back seat] Hey!
Homer: How long have you been back there?
  Abe: [meekly] Three days!
-- That explains the smell, "Homer Goes to College"

Marge parks the car in the parking lot, and as she does, Homer sees a
nerd walk by.

Homer: [yelling at a student] Neeeerd!
Marge: Homer, that isn't very nice.
Homer: Marge, try to understand.  There are two kinds of college
       students: jocks and nerds.  As a jock, it is my duty to give
       nerds a hard time.
        [A "jock" walks by]
       Hey pal!  Did you get a load of the nerd?
 Jock: [not understanding] Pardon me?
-- The times, they are a-changin', "Homer Goes to College"

To meet some new friends, Homer takes Marge to the Freshman Mixer.
Glancing around, Homer sees a bowl of punch, and decides to help is
popularity.

  Homer: [spiking the punch] Heh heh, I'll be a campus hero.
          [Another student tastes the punch and spits it out]
Student: Attention, everyone: the punch has been spiked.
          [Everyone gasps]
         Don't worry.  Your parents have been called and will be here to
         pick you up shortly!
          [Everyone cheers]
-- Let's try plan two, "Homer Goes to College"

Homer: Marge, someone squeezed all the life out of these kids.  And
       unless movies and TV have lied to me, it's a crusty, bitter old
       Dean!
 Dean: Hi there!  Hello, I'm Dean Peterson, but you can call me Bobby.
       I just want you to know if you ever feel stressed out from
       studying or whatever, I'm always up for some hackey sack.  Or,
       hey!  If you just want to come by and jam, I used to be the bass
       player for the Pretenders.  [plays a riff]
Homer: [bitterly] Boy, I can't wait to take some of the starch out of
       that stuffed shirt.
-- Character evaluation problems, "Homer Goes to College"

On the first day of class, Homer sits at the back of the lecture hall.
The lecturer is an older man in a white lab coat, and he speaks with a
germanic accent.  "I see a lot of new faces," he says, "but, you know
the old saying: out with the old, in with the nucleus."  Everyone laughs
except Homer.  When the lecturer drops his cue cards by mistake, Homer's
mirth seems to know no bounds.  None of the other students see what he
finds so funny.

 Prof: {Now if anyone would like to stay, I'm going to hold a
       comprehensive review session after every class.}
Homer: {[waving] Do we have to?}
 Prof: {No --}
Homer: {Then kiss my curvy butt goood-bye!}
-- "Homer Goes to College"

{Homer opts for chasing around a pair of squirrels with a stick instead
of staying for the (no doubt much needed) review session.}

{At home, Homer has altered his room to be more like that of a college
student.  He has posters of W. C. Fields, Einstein, and a ballerina's
feet on the wall, and he's made a makeshift bookshelf from four planks
and six cinderblocks.  He's listening to "Louie, Louie" on his stereo.}

 Marge: {Homer, we have a perfectly good bookcase.}
 Homer: {Yeah, but this is what they're doing on campus.  Besides, it
        isn't costing us: I swiped the cinderblocks from a construction
        site.
         [At the site, a worker walks forlorn up to his boss]}
Worker: {Sir, six cinderblocks are missing.}
  Boss: {There'll be no hospital, then.  I'll tell the children.}
-- "Homer Goes to College"

Back in Nuclear Physics 101, the professor explains a high-tech piece of
equipment to the class.

 Prof: This proton accelerator destabilizes the atom in this chamber
       here, then propels it --
Homer: Uh, excuse me, Professor Brainiac, but I worked in a nuclear
       power plant for ten years, and, uh, I think I know how a proton
       accelerator works.
 Prof: Well, please, come down and show us.
Homer: All right, I will.
        [Everyone abandons the glowing green building]
        [Homer walks out, glowing green himself]
Homer: [to meltdown men] In there, guys.
  Men: Thanks, Homer.
-- If I didn't know better, I _might_ think you'd met him before, "Homer
    Goes to College"

The Dean is kind to Homer, despite the egregious nature of his screw-up.

 Dean: Homer, no one blames you for the accident, we simply feel you
       might benefit from outside tutoring.  I researched these names
       myself.  [hands him a list]
Homer: [to himself] Yeah, you've won this round, Dean...but the war
       isn't over.  [exits]
        [Dean's phone rings]
 Dean: Hello?
Homer: [disguising his voice] Hello, Dean!  You're a stupid-head.
 Dean: Homer, is that you?  [looks out his window]
Homer: [looks up, sees the Dean looking at him] Aah!
-- Thank God for Call Display, "Homer Goes to College"

Homer wanders the college in search of room 222, where his tutors live.
He knocks on the door and is let in.  When he greets the three nerds,
who are tapping furiously at their keyboards, they answer in robotic
voices, "Intruder Alert", and laugh.

 Homer: Look, I'm supposed to get a physics tutor.
Nerd 1: Well, you've come to the right place then.  If there's one thing
        we know, it is science.
Nerd 2: And math.
Nerd 3: And the words to every Monty Python routine.
 Nerds: [in unison] We are the Knights Who Say...Ni!  Ni!  [laughter]
 Homer: Heh heh...Ni.
-- Homer's quest for a shrubbery, "Homer Goes to College"

At dinner that night, Homer excitedly tells the Simpson family about his
three new friends.

Homer: We played Dungeons & Dragons for three hours!  Then I was slain
       by an elf.
 Bart: Listen to yourself, man: you're hangin' with nerds.
Homer: You take that back!
Marge: Homer, please!  These boys sound very nice, but they're clearly
       nerds.
Homer: Really?  But nerds are my mortal enemy!
 Lisa: Dad, nerds are nothing to fear.  In fact, they've done some
       pretty memorable things.  Some nerds of note include...popcorn
       magnate Orville Redenbacher, rock star David Byrne, and supreme
       court justice David Souter.
Homer: [gasp] Oh, not Souter!  Oh, no!
-- Mmm, Burgher, "Homer Goes to College"

The three nerds try to help Homer study, but he won't put any effort
into it.

Nerd 1: Come on, Mr. Simpson, you'll never pass this course if you don't
        know the periodic table.
 Homer: Ehh, I'll write it on my hand.
Nerd 1: Ho!  Including all known lanthanides and actinides?  Ha, ha!
        Good luck.
-- Cerium, praseodymium, neodymium..., "Homer Goes to College"

 Homer: Come on, guys.  Look at yourselves!  All you do is study.  I'm
        going to show you the true meaning of college: we're gonna go
        out and par-ty!
Nerd 2: Wait a minute, I'll put on my snow pants.
Nerd 1: Me too.
Nerd 3: Me too.
-- Don't forget the Cougar boots, "Homer Goes to College"

Ah, the college road-trip.  What better way to spread beer-fueled
mayhem?
-- Homer, "Homer Goes to College"

Marge sees Homer loading cases of beer in the car, and she goes out to
him.

 Marge: If you're going for a ride, I'd like you to take Bart and Lisa.
 Homer: [plaintively] But Marge, we're college guys and we're up to no
        good.
Nerd 1: Mr. Simpson, Gary spilled his ear medicine.
-- Does it stain naugahyde?, "Homer Goes to College"

The beer-fueled mayhem turns out to be a trip to the Springfield petting
zoo.  Lisa's happy that they let them feed the baby ducks, but she seems
to be alone in her happiness.

Nerd 2: I need to go to the bathroom!
  Lisa: We stopped five minutes ago!
Nerd 2: Yeah, but someone knocked on the door and I couldn't go.
-- Tension and urination just don't mix, "Homer Goes to College"

Homer still tries to figure out a way to kick-start the nerds' social
lives.  He decides a big crazy prank might do the trick: maybe rolling
the Dean up in a carpet and throwing him off a bridge?  Bart has a
better idea: pignapping the Springfield A&M mascot, Sir Oinkcelot.
Homer combines the plans, suggesting they roll the pig up in a carpet
and throw him off a bridge, but there are no takers.

Under cover of darkness, the five accomplices set out to steal Sir
Oinkcelot.  When they lug the pig back to Homer's car, Homer starts
playing with its tail, noticing that even if you pull it straight, it
curls right back up again.  He does it repeatedly until the pig chomps
on his hand in annoyance.  Homer has to be restrained from harming the
poor innocent pig.

Shortly thereafter, back at the dorm...

Nerd 1: Hey, the pig's acting kind of funny.
Nerd 2: He and Mr. Simpson split a case of malt liquor.
Nerd 3: Guys, he's really sick.
         [The pig collapses]
  Dean: [outside] Hell-oo...that sounds like a pig fainting!
-- Good ear on you, "Homer Goes to College"

Fortunately, the pig's OK.  Homer, the Dean, and the nerds watch as the
pig is airlifted to safety, tied into a harness under a helicopter.

 Dean: I'm sorry, boys, I've -- I've never expelled anyone before,
       but...that pig had some powerful friends.
Nixon: [bitterly] Oh, you'll pay.  Don't think you won't pay!
-- They are not a crook, "Homer Goes to College"

Homer is apologetic as the gates of Sprigfield College slam closed,
leaving the nerds out on the street with their suitcases.

 Homer: Guys, believe me, I didn't mean to get you expelled.
Nerd 3: Oh, don't worry, Mr. Simpson, we can take care of ourselves.
         [Snake appears, holding out his hand]
 Snake: Uh, wallet inspector.
Nerd 1: Oh, here ya go.  [All three give him their wallets] I believe
        that's all in order.
 Snake: Huh ho!  I can't _believe_ that worked.
 Homer: [realization dawning] Heyy...that's not the wallet inspector!
-- Coulda been, though, "Homer Goes to College"

Homer places a worried hand to his lips, wondering what he's done.

[End of Act Two.  Time: 15:59]

Homer decides the only recourse is to let them stay at the Simpson
house.  Marge doesn't look too happy about it, but Homer pleads their
case.

 Homer: Marge!  They don't have anywhere to stay.  And they're geniuses.
        they'll solve all our problems.  They'll elevate us to the
        status of kings on earth!
Nerd 3: Mr. Simpson?  We all have nosebleeds.
-- Genii non-savants, "Homer Goes to College"

The nerds sit at their computer terminals once again, only this time,
they've set them up in the Simpson's living room.  Marge idly watches
them, then remembers a phone call she has to make.  She lifts the
handset.

 Marge: [hearing modem noises] Ooh, what's wrong with this phone? it's
        making crazy noises.
Nerd 2: [contemptuously] Those "crazy noises" are computer signals.
Nerd 3: Yeah.  Some guys at MIT are sending us reasons why Captain
        Picard is better than Captain Kirk.
Nerd 1: Hah!  They're outta their minds.
-- The Great Debate continues, "Homer Goes to College"

Bart and Lisa, meanwhile, are watching the Krusty the Klown Show. it's
time for an Itchy and Scratchy cartoon: "Burning Down the Mouse".  Lisa
says she's heard about it already: "This is the one where Scratchy
finally gets Itchy!"  Bart is suitably impressed.

Itchy is tied to a stake, and he looks glum.  Scratchy rubs his hands in
delight, then reaches for a crate next to him.  He puts sticks of
dynamite under the mouse's eyelids and in his ears.  He fashions a
Lincolnian hat and beard out of plastic explosive and slaps them rudely
on Itchy, attaching grenades to his ears as crude parodies of earrings.
Itchy stares up in horror as a shadow looms over his face: Scratchy is
turning a wheel, adjusting the angle of two atomic bombs so that their
sharpened tips point directly at Itchy's eyes.  Crates of TNT are
stacked around the atomic bombs.  Lighting the fuses on all the
dynamite, he hails a taxi, and leaves.

Slowly, the fuse burns down.  Itchy tries in vain to escape, his legs
struggling.  Bart and Lisa watch, transfixed.  "My purpose in life is to
witness this moment," says Bart, grasping Lisa's hand.  We see a close-
up of Itchy's sweaty face as the inevitable draws inexorably closer.
The fuse burns all the way down, and --

Suddenly the TV screen goes blank.  Bart and Lisa scream, horrified.
One of the nerds rises from behind the TV, holding a plug in each hand.
"We need the outlet for our rock tumbler," he explains.  "Plug it in,
Plug it in!" the two cry frantically.  "What, the rock tumbler or the
TV?"  "The TV, the TV!"  The nerd makes it so.

But it is too late.  A mushroom cloud is all that's left on the TV, with
"THE END" written in red superimposed on it.  The children in Krusty's
audience cheer wildly.  "Wow!" exclaims Krusty, "They'll never let us
show that again, not in a million years!"  Bart and Lisa are aghast.

 Bart: [sharpening knives] Dad, start diggin' some nerd holes!
 Lisa: [plaintively] It's bad enough that they put their retainers in
       the dishwasher; can't we do something?
Homer: Look, I'm sure we can work something out where we can all live in
       harmony, right, Marge?
Marge: No, I want those geeks outta my house!
-- Who can argue with that?, "Homer Goes to College"

The only recourse is to get the nerds back into college, thinks Homer,
with a zany scheme of some sort.  The nerds aren't sure about the "zany"
idea, but Homer ignores them: "I got it!  We're gonna fix it so you guys
save the Dean's life!"

In the next scene, Homer is behind the wheel, driving with a determined
look on his face.  He checks his watch, seeing "4:59", and says,
"Perfect."  He fishtails around the corner.

The Dean is just leaving, closing the door on his way out.  He whistles
as he strolls down the path to the parking lot.  The nerds are hiding
behind a nearby bush.

Nerd 2: OK, guys: push him out of the way in exactly three seconds.
Nerd 1: Should we correct for wind resistance?
Nerd 3: Hmm, possibly.  What do _you_ think?
         [Homer hits the Dean with his car, and the Dean goes flying]
Nerd 1: Oh, my.
-- I hope he's insured, "Homer Goes to College"

In the Springfield General Hospital, Homer and the nerds stand beside
the Dean's bed.  Homer apologizes for the "running-you-over prank", and
he admits that all the other pranks were his idea too.  "I'm the one who
should be expelled."  The Dean is touched by Homer's honesty, and he
wonders if perhaps he's been a bit of an ogre himself.  "Yes you have,"
Homer confirms quietly.

The Dean magnanimously offers to readmit the nerds and to forget that
the whole silly incident ever happened.  Just then, Dr. Hibbert walks in
with the Dean's prosthetic replacement hip.  It breaks in his hands, so
the Doctor jovially informs him he'll have to go easy on it.

The nerds move back into room 222, and check their answering machine.
"Number of messages received: zero," it says, and the three sigh with
relief.  They thank Homer for getting them back into college, and he
says, "The important thing is that we wrapped up all the loose ends."

But Homer has forgotten why he was at college in the first place: "So,
in conclusion, good luck on tomorrow's big final exam," says the Nuclear
Physics 101 lecturer.  "Exam?!  This is just like one of those bad
dreams," Homer says from his seat in the back row; he then glances down,
noticing he's wearing only his underwear.

Nerd 2: What are you going to do, Mr. Simpson?
 Homer: Actually, I've been working on a plan.  During the exam, I'll
        hide under some coats, and hope that somehow everything will
        work out.
Nerd 2: [determined] Or, with our help, you can cram like you've never
        crammed before!
 Homer: Whatever.  Either way is good.
-- I'm not picky, "Homer Goes to College"

Homer goes to the library and takes out a wheelbarrow full of books.
The nerds tie his eyes open and hold a book in front of him.  He falls
asleep while reading another book, and one of the nerds slaps him
lightly on the cheek to wake him.  Reflexively, Homer drives his fist
into the nerd's unfortunate face, and falls back asleep.

In the exam, Homer is one of the last to leave, but he hands in his
paper with a smile, clicking his heels joyously.  The instructor glances
at his answers, and stamps a circled red "F" on his paper.

The nerds are discontented with Homer's performance.

Nerd 2: Oh, man, I can't believe you failed.
 Homer: [whining] Oh, I'm going to lose my job just 'cause I'm
        dangerously unqualified!
Nerd 2: Mr. Simpson, there is a way.  We could -- well, use a computer
        to change your grade.
 Homer: [surprised] Computers can do that?
Nerd 2: Well, yes...the only problem is the moral dilemma it raises,
        which requires --
         [Homer kisses one of the computers]
 Homer: Oh, I love -- moral whuzzah?
-- You know, ethical crisis, "Homer Goes to College"

Marge: An A+!  How did you do it?
Homer: Oh, let's just say I had help from a little magic box.
Marge: You changed your grade with a computer?
Homer: D'oh!
-- How'd she figure that out?, "Homer Goes to College"

Bart is impressed at Homer's ability, and Homer is quick to redirect
attention elsewhere.

 Homer: Look, the important thing is that we all learned a lesson.
        These guys learned the richness and variety of the world outside
        college.
Nerd 2: No we didn't.
 Homer: Oh.  Then I learned the real value of college is to study, and
        work hard.
  Lisa: No you didn't.  You only passed your course by cheating, which
        you always taught us was wrong.
 Homer: Hmm...true.
-- The need for Debating 101, "Homer Goes to College"

Marge wants Homer to take the course over again so he can pass it
without cheating.  Homer accuses her of being worse than the crusty old
Dean.  But he sighs, accepting Marge's resolution.

Homer: Well, I guess it's back to college for me.  And that means it's
       time to -- what did I teach you guys?
Nerds: [timidly] Par - ty - down?
Homer: Yess!
-- Woo hoo!, "Homer Goes to College"

