My Favorite Simpson's Episode #6

Bart's Comet

The scene opens on Springfield Elementary.  Principal Skinner, decked
out in a lab coat and safety glasses, stands under a "Science Fair"
banner.

 Skinner: And now, to top off our most propane-explosion-free science
          week ever, our grand finale: the launching of a weather
          balloon!
Children: Yay!
    Bart: Go, weather balloon!  Hurrah for science, woo!
 Skinner: [to himself] "Hurrah for science, woo"?  I can't say I approve
          of the "woo" but the "hurrah" was quite heartening.
-- Skinner, censurer, "Bart's Comet"

"Release the balloon," calls the beloved principal.  Groundskeeper Willy
complies, snipping its string.  Everyone cheers as the balloon rises
except for Bart, who pulls a string, smiling.  Two flaps on the balloon
unfold, one with Skinner's head and arms holding a "Hi, I'm Big Butt
Skinner" sign, the other with Skinner's legs.  The children all point
and laugh.  "Nooo!" cries Skinner, running after it.

    Bart: I don't think I really captured the eyes.
Milhouse: Bart, if you have a failing, it's that you're always demanding
          perfection -- _if_ you have a failing.
 Skinner: Whoever brings down that balloon doesn't have to learn
          fractions!
Children: Yay!  [start throwing rocks at it]
 Skinner: [hearing clanking noises] Uh, careful, children, that's my
          car...
-- Bart pulls a weather balloon prank, "Bart's Comet"

Nelson and Jimbo, hearing that it's Skinner's car, purposely throw big
rocks straight at it and laugh.

Skinner: [ominous] Destroy that balloon.
  Willy: Aye.  [cocks a shotgun, shoots into the sky]
          [two fighter planes fly overhead]
Pilot 1: Tango 14, we're being fired at.  I'm getting an exact ID on the
         bogey now.
          [screen shows a silhouette of Willy and "Identify"]
          [screen flashes "Iraqi fighter jet"]
Pilot 1: Iraqis again.  Launching sidewinder missile.
          [missile destroys the other plane]
         Missed him.  Launching second sidewinder missile.
          [missile destroys his own plane]
Pilot 1: [parachuting] This is what happens when you cut money out of
         the military and put it into health care!
Pilot 2: [parachuting] It's a good program!  Just give it a chance,
         that's all I ask.
          [their parachutes fail; they crash to the ground]
-- Pros and cons of deficit reduction schemes, "Bart's Comet"

Back at the school, Skinner rues his misfortune.

 Skinner: Oh, it won't come down for months.  Curse the man who invented
          helium!  Curse Pierre-Jules-Cesar Janssen.  Now to find out
          who did this...Bart!  Empty your pockets.
    Bart: Empty _my_ pockets, you say?  [does so] Well, certainly, but I
          fail to see how --
 Skinner: [picking something up] Hmm...blueprints of the dummy...
          notarized photos of you _making_ the dummy...and an alternate
          wording for the _banner_, "Buttzilla".
    Bart: Race you to Utah, Milhouse.
Milhouse: OK.
-- Exit Bart, "Bart's Comet"

Skinner grabs Bart.

Skinner: I'm going to punish you for this, Bart -- and it won't just be
         a simple caning this time.  Because you have impeded science,
         you must now _aid_ science.  Yes...starting tomorrow, you will
         assist me with my amateur astronomy, taking down measurements,
         carrying equipment, and so forth. 4:30 in the morning.
   Bart: There's a 4:30 in the morning now?
-- Bart's twelve-hour days, "Bart's Comet"

The next morning, Bart's radio turns on at precisely 4:00.

   DJ: Top of the hour, time for the morning news.  But of course, there
       _is_ no news yet.  Everyone's still asleep in their comfy, comfy
       beds.  Good night, everybody.
 Bart: [groans] Oh...
       {[walks to his parents' room]}
       {Mom, will you make me breakfast?}
Marge: {[mostly asleep] There's a stuffed pepper in the trash from last
       night.  Just rinse it good.}
       {[downstairs, the pets watch TV]}
  {TV: Come home, Lassie.  Here, boy!  Come on, girl.}
       {[the pets see Bart coming and quickly turn the TV off and
       pretend to sleep]}
-- The secret nocturnal lives of pets, "Bart's Comet"

Bart opens the garage and drives his bike off to school.  On his way, he
observes, "Still dark...better use the generator."  He engages it, but
the pressure on his tire is so great that he has to struggle to move
forward at all.

He meets Skinner in a field near the school.

Skinner: Ah, there's nothing more exciting than science.  You get all
         the fun of sitting still, being quiet, writing down numbers,
         paying attention...[chuckles] Science has it all.
   Bart: Is that the telescope we're going to be looking through?
Skinner: Yes, but you won't be looking through it: I forbid it, heh heh.
         But you don't _need_ a telescope to enjoy astronomy, Bart:
         there are all the constellations you've heard so much about.
         [pointing] There's Orion, the swan, the chariot race --
   Bart: Why don't they look anything like their names?
Skinner: Well, you do have to use your imagination.  Look: there's the
         three wise men.  [points to Curly, Larry, and Moe]
-- Wise at slapstick, maybe, "Bart's Comet"

   Bart: Who names these things [the constellations] anyway?
Skinner: Whoever discovers them.  I've been hoping I could find
         something that would be named after me.
   Bart: And you've never found anything?
Skinner: Once...but by the time I got to the phone, my discovery had
         already been reported by Principal Kahoutek...[a cloud covers
         the moon; scary music plays]
         I got back at him, though...him and that little _boy_ of his.
          [the music ends]
         Anyway, that's why I always keep a cellular phone next to me.
-- The former green beret and his tricks, "Bart's Comet"

Skinner: Now, this morning we're going to be mapping a small square of
         sky that's thought to be empty.  It's my hope that it's not.
   Bart: So what am I supposed to do exactly?
Skinner: Just write down my findings as I give them to you.  Six hours
         nineteen minutes right ascension, fourteen degrees twenty-two
         minutes declination: no sighting.
   Bart: [bored] Mm hmm.
Skinner: Six hours nineteen minutes right ascension, fourteen degrees
         twenty-three minutes declination: no sighting.
   Bart: Mm hmm.
          [later]
Skinner: Six hours nineteen minutes right ascension, fourteen degrees
         fifty-eight minutes declination: no sighting.  Did you get that
         one Bart?
   Bart: Hell no?
Skinner: Good.
-- Gripping astronomy, "Bart's Comet"

Skinner spots something and gasps with excitement.

Skinner: My stars!  Give me the phone.  [dials 325-6753]
  Woman: [at observatory] Check out 6-19-14-59.
          [man at telescope does so]
          [the Skinner weather balloon comes into focus]
Skinner: No, there's no need to do that...it's already named after me.
-- Skinner the observator, "Bart's Comet"

Skinner: It's coming pretty close to the ground, maybe I can catch it.
         Don't touch the telescope, Bart.  A slight change in elevation
         can destroy a whole morning's work.  [runs off]
   Bart: [looks at telescope, grins, spins it] Woo!  Pirates off the
         port bow, all hands on deck!  [looks through it] Hey...
          [pushes "redial" on the phone]
         Hello, observatory?  This is Bart Simpson.  I see something in
         the sky at 4-12-8 and the last number is 7.
Skinner: [catching the balloon] Ah, got you, my rumpy doppelganger.
          [floats to ground next to Bart] I've got it!  I -- what are
         you doing?  Give me that phone!
  Woman: [on phone] Congratulations, Bart.  You've just discovered a
         comet.
Skinner: Nooo!
          [lets go of balloon by accident]
         Noooo!
          [paperman rides by, throws paper in front of him]
          [headline: "Prez Sez: school is for losers"]
         Nooooo!
-- A chapter of accidents, "Bart's Comet"

[End of Act One.  Time: 6:38]

At dinner that night, everyone chows down.

Homer: {And then I sped away without anyone seeing my license plate.}
 Lisa: {Sounds like you had a good day today, Dad.}
Homer: {Yeah...except I forgot to go to work.}
       {[everyone looks at him silently]}
Marge: What did you do today, Bart?
 Bart: What _didn't_ I do?  [hands his mother a newspaper]
Marge: [reads comet] "Boy Discovers Comet"...
 Lisa: What?
Marge: "A young Springfieldianite has discovered a new comet to be known
       as the `Bart Simpson Comet'."  [gasps] Oh, honey, I'm so _proud_
       of you.
 Bart: But then, you've _always_ been proud of me.
Marge: [pauses] Yes...
-- Well no, actually, "Bart's Comet"

The next day at lunch, Bart carries his tray past a table of children.

     Ham: Won't you join us, Bart?
    Bart: [looks around] Uh...I guess so.
Database: As the first student at Springfield Elementary to discover a
          comet, we're very proud to make you a member of our very
          select group.  Welcome to Super Friends.
    Bart: Huh?
    Kids: Welcome, Super Friend.
     Ham: I am called Ham, because I enjoy ham radio.  This is Email...
          Cosine...Report Card...Database...and Lisa.  Your nickname
          will be Cosmos.
    Bart: [finishing a mouthful hurriedly] Well, I'm done eating.
          Goodbye.
    Kids: Goodbye, Cosmos.
-- Bart's not as cool as Green Lantern, "Bart's Comet"

   Database: Perhaps some night you could show us your comet.
       Bart: [pointing] There it is right there.
   Database: I make it a point never to turn my head unless I expect to
             see something, Bart.  Now truly, we can't see your comet in
             broad daylight and without a telescope.
       Bart: But you don't _need_ a stupid telescope.  It's right
             _there_.
              [the kids look and gasp as they see it]
      Email: Oh no, no, no, this isn't right at all!
   Database: It must be coming toward us at a fantastic speed.
       Bart: Huh?
       Lisa: Don't you realize what's happening, Bart?  Your comet is
             going to collide with the Earth and every living thing in
             its path will be killed!
       Bart: I knew you'd try to find something wrong with my comet,
             Lisa.  You've always been petty and small, _right_ from the
             beginning.
Report Card: We must alert the proper authorities.
      Email: To the observatory!
-- The comet's threat is discovered, "Bart's Comet"

The Super Friends ride their bikes off to the observatory, singing "We
are the Super Friends."  Their newest member goes, "Shut up!"  One of
the astronomers focuses the telescope on the comet and intones "Dear
God!"  The other says, "Warren, we've talked about you hogging the
eyepiece."

   Abe: Sounds like the doomsday whistle!  Ain't been blown for nigh
        onto three years.
Jasper: Tsk, tsk, tsk...trouble abrewing.
-- The air raid siren blows, "Bart's Comet"

Diamond Joe Quimby calls a meeting at the town hall.

Quimby: Fellow citizens, when I learned about the impending crisis, I
        caught the very next plane to Springfeld...field.
         [everyone claps politely]
        First of all, yes, there is a comet in the sky, and yes, it is
        going to hit Springfield.
         [a couple of people clap]
        You don't need to applaud that.
-- The mayor calls a town meeting, "Bart's Comet"

Quimby: Now, here's what we think the impact might look like.  Show
        them, Jerry.
         [first slide shows arrows pointing to "Springfield" and the
        "Comet"]
         [second slide shows collision of two and an arrow pointing to
        "Moe's"]
   Moe: Oh, dear God, no!
         [third slide shows smoking crater with arrows pointing to
        "Charred Bodies"]
Quimby: Fortunately we have a plan: Professor Frink?
 Frink: Nn-hey, good evening, ladies and --
   Man: [hysterical] Quit stalling!  What's the plan?
 Frink: All right, just take your seat, just take your seat.
         [pulls a sheet off a model of the city]
        Now, working with former Carter Administration officials and
        military men who were forced into early retirement for various
        reasons which we won't go into here, nn-hey, we have planned
        this defense for the city: [flicks a switch] as the comet
        hurtles towards the city, our rocket will intercept it and blow
        it to smithereens.
         [little models of the comet and rocket demonstrate]
         [the comet explodes and catches "Moe's" on fire]
   Moe: Oh, dear God, no!
-- Moe, loser either way, "Bart's Comet"

"And that will be the end of Mr. Comet," forecasts Quimby.  Everyone
cheers and leaves the hall.  Once outside, they point at the comet and
laugh derisively -- all except Lisa, who looks around, worried.

Homer: Will you all stop worrying about that stupid comet?  It's going
       to be destroyed, didn't you hear what that guy in the building
       said?
 Lisa: But Dad, don't you think --
Homer: Uh, Lisa, the whole reason we have elected officials is so we
       don't _have_ to think all the time.  Just like that rainforest
       scare a few years back: our officials saw there was a problem and
       they fixed it, didn't they?
 Lisa: No, Dad, I don't think --
Homer: There's that word again.
-- Homer doing what he does best, "Bart's Comet"

A newspaper headline reads, "Rocket to Kick Comet's Tail".  The comet
looms large in the sky as everyone on the street looks up at it.  At the
Springfield Armory, the rocket (with a panel saying "Caution: aim way
from face" on the side) is raised on a platform and pointed towards the
sky.  The Simpson family sit on lawn chairs on their roof.

Marge: Homer, what if this doesn't work?
Homer: Well, then I have a backup plan.  See?  While the unprepared are
       still sitting around twiddling their thumbs and going --
       [twiddles his thumbs, hums a goofy tune]
 Bart: {[interrupts] Dad!  The plan.}
Homer: {I'm getting to that!  So anyway, they're going -- [twiddles his
       thumbs more, hums more]}
 Bart: [interrupts] Dad!
Homer: So anyway, we get in our car and take the bridge out of town, all
       the while they're still going -- [twiddles his thumbs and hums
       again]
 Lisa: [interrupts] Dad, they're firing the rocket!
Homer: [knocked backwards by the blast] All right!
-- The alternate plan cut short, "Bart's Comet"

The rocket climbs into the sky as everyone oohs and aahs.  Up, up it
flies, straight up to the comet...and passes right in front of it, down,
down onto the only bridge out of town, destroying it.

   Lisa: It blew up the bridge!  We're doomed.
  Homer: It's times like this I wish I were a religious man.
Lovejoy: [running down the street] It's all over, people!  We don't have
         a prayer, argh...
-- Religion, opiate of Homer, "Bart's Comet"

[End of Act Two.  Time: 12:40]

Kent Brockman delivers the news.

       Kent: And, like Icarus, the rocket foolishly soared too high, and
             lost control of its servo guidance mechanism, leaving us
             with some...[checks watch] six hours to live.  So, let's go
             live now to the charred remains of the only bridge out of
             town with Arnie Pie and Arnie in the Sky!
      Arnie: With the bridge gone and the airport unfortunately on the
             other side of the bridge, a number of citizens are
             attempting to jump the gorge with their cars.  It's a
             silent testament to the never-give-up and never-think-
             things-out spirit of our citizens.
       Kent: With our utter annihilation imminent, our federal
             government has snapped into action.  We go live now via
             satellite to the floor of the United States congress.
    Speaker: Then it is unanimous, we are going to approve the bill to
             evacuate the town of Springfield in the great state of --
Congressman: Wait a minute, I want to tack on a rider to that bill: $30
             million of taxpayer money to support the perverted arts.
    Speaker: All in favor of the amended Springfield-slash-pervert bill?
              [everyone boos]
    Speaker: Bill defeated.  [bangs gavel]
       Kent: I've said it before and I'll say it again: democracy simply
             doesn't work.
-- Kent Brockman shows his true color: pink, "Bart's Comet"

 Kent: Now, over the years, a newsman learns a number of things that for
       one reason or another, he just cannot report.  It doesn't seem to
       matter now, so...the following people are gay.
        [a list flashes by hurriedly]
Marge: Turn it off!
Homer: [copying down the list quickly] Just a second...
-- Homer and his useless lists, "Bart's Comet"

Homer: What's everyone so worked up about?  So there's a comet -- big
       deal.  It'll burn up in our atmosphere and what's ever left will
       be no bigger than a chihuahua's head.
 Bart: Wow, Dad, maybe you're right.
Homer: Of course I'm right.  If I'm not, may we all be horribly crushed
       from above somehow.
        [everyone groans]
       OK, if you're that worried about it, let's go down to the bomb
       shelter.
 Lisa: We have a bomb shelter?
Homer: Homer Simpson takes care of _his_ family.
        [the family goes outside]
Homer: [pounding on a door] Flanders!  Open up.
-- Homer, living vicariously through Ned, "Bart's Comet"

  Ned: Heidy-hoeroony, neighbor.  What can I do you for?
Homer: Get out of there.  My family needs to use your bomb shelter.
Marge: Homer!
  Ned: Uh oh, I kind of figured this might happen, so I built the
       shelter big enough for both our families.
Homer: No deal.  Out.
Marge: Get in the shelter, Homer!
-- Homer rejects the first offer, "Bart's Comet"

The shadow of the comet looms over the city hall.  It looms over the
zoo, to the frightened protests of the animals.  Some penguins look at
one another and then suddenly develop the ability to fly.  A boy working
on his bike in the street leaves it there and hides under a park bench.
Other people abandon their cars in the middle of the road and run for
cover.

In Ned's bomb shelter, the two families sit around, bored.

Marge: [checks her watch] One more hour.
Homer: An hour?  I can't wait another hour.  What's keeping that stupid
       comet?
        [someone knocks on the door]
       Ah, there it is.
        [Ned answers it; the rest of Springfield stands outside]
  Ned: Well, howdily-doodily, neighbors.  Shouldn't you be in your
       shelterinis by now?
  Moe: [menacing] We haven't got shelterinis.  We want in yours!
  Ned: Well, ho ho, the shelter's kind of full.
  Moe: [not realizing] Really?  Oh.  Well, we'll just go off some place
       and die then.  Thanks.  [everyone walks off]
  Ned: Wait!  You know, I may regret this when our air runs out and we
       can't whistle _or_ stay alive, but...oh, what the hey.
        [everyone barges in]
-- Moe's bargaining tactics, "Bart's Comet"

The shelter is very crowded indeed with everyone there.

  Homer: I can't get the -- [struggles] -- I can't get the door closed.
         Somebody's going to have to get out.
   Lisa: [muffled] I'd get out but I don't know where I am.
 Barney: Hey!  Somebody's touching me.
Skinner: I am.
 Barney: [happy] Oh, OK.
-- Ned's shelter brims over capacity, "Bart's Comet"

Krusty, ever resourceful, comes up with a plan.

 Krusty: OK, OK, let's figure out who should stay.  The world of the
         future will need laughter, so I'm in.
    Moe: And they'll need somebody to dispense drinks, i.e., me, and
         someone'll have to run the power.  You can do that, Homer.
  Homer: [uncertain] Uh, yeah...I can do that.
          [the comet looms ever closer]
Lovejoy: OK, let's start again.  We'll need laughter, religious
         enlightenment, gossip -- that's Mrs. Lovejoy --
-- Predicting the future world necessities, "Bart's Comet"

Homer: Wait a minute: we all know the one thing we won't need in the
       future!  Left-handed stores.  That's you, Flanders!
        [whispered to Rod & Todd] I'm terribly story.
        [to everyone] Flanders is the only useless person here.  If
       anyone dies, it should be him.
        [whispered] I'm sorry, please forgive me.
        [to everyone] So let's kick Flanders out.
        [whispered] Sorry.
  Ned: Well sir, sounds fair.  Toodleloo, everybody; I'll scream when
       the comet gets here.
Maude: Oh, I'm coming with you, Neddy.
  Ned: No, sweetheart, you...you stay here because --
Maude: [quickly] OK.
  Ned: I might go mad with fear out there, so Todd, I want you to shoot
       Daddy if he tries to get back in.
 Todd: OK, Dad.  [weeps]
  Ned: OK.  [sings on his way out] Que sera sera, whatever will be, will
       be, the future's not ours to see...
-- Ned, closed fatalist, "Bart's Comet"

Moe suggests something to lighten the mood.

       Moe: Hey, uh, I got an idea: we can play a game to pass the time.
            Er, I'll make the sound of a barnyard animal, and, er, you
            all try to guess what it is.  Ahem: [makes some
            unidentifiable noise]
    Wiggum: It's a pig!
      Bart: It's a cow, man.
      Lisa: It's a pony.
    Krusty: No, it's a goat.  You know, one of them lady goats.
     Selma: There are no lady goats: a lady goat is a sheep.
   Hibbert: I believe she's right.
      Otto: You're crazy.
McAllister: Arr, what's it to you?
      Otto: What's it to _me_?
             [everyone starts arguing]
     Marge: Stop it!  Stop it!  Can't you see this barnyard noise
            guessing game is tearing us apart?
             [Ned still sings "Que Sera, Sera" outside]
            Say, Moe, was it a duck?
             [everyone argues again]
-- The final hour before the comet hits, "Bart's Comet"

Homer calls for order.

  Homer: Shut up!  Shut up!  Stop it!  Stop it.  I can't take this any
         more.  I can't let that brave man out there die alone.  I'm
         surprised and disgusted by all of you -- especially his
         children.  I'm going out there!
          [goes out, slams door behind him]
          [pops his head back in] It was a baby ox.
    Moe: He's right, you know.
Skinner: [surprised] About the ox?
    Moe: About everything, dammit.  Hey Homer, wait up.  I want to die
         too.
    Apu: If you are going, I am going.
 Barney: Me too!
          [everyone assents and leaves]
-- Never-think-things-through, indeed, "Bart's Comet"

Ned stands alone on a hilltop, singing to himself.

     Ned: [singing] When I was just a little girl,
          I asked my mother, "What will I be?
          Will I be pretty?  Will I be rich?"
          Here's what she said to me:
Everyone: [joining in] Que sera, sera,
          Whatever will be, will be
          The future's not ours to see
          Que sera --
  Quimby: [pointing at the comet] Run!
-- Forced bravado, "Bart's Comet"

The comet speeds towards Springfield, through the polluted atmosphere.
Chunks of it start to fly off.  "Look!" cries Marge, "It's breaking up!"
yells Lisa.  The rapidly diminishing-in-size comet punctures the Skinner
weather balloon, then places a direct hit on Ned's bomb shelter --
destroying it in a pile of masonry.

    Bart: Cool.  [picks up what's left of the comet]
    Lisa: We're saved!
Everyone: Yay!
   Selma: Sure makes you appreciate the preciousness of life.
           [she and Patty light a cigarette and puff contentedly]
     Moe: Let's go burn down the observatory so this will never happen
          again.
-- Moe's miracle cure, "Bart's Comet"

Lisa is astounded.

 Lisa: I can't believe that extra-thick layer of pollution that I've
       actually picketed against burned up the comet.
 Bart: But what's really amazing, is that this is _exactly_ what Dad
       said would happen.
 Lisa: Yeah, Dad was right.
Homer: I know, kids.  I'm scared too!
-- Homer "Nostradamus" Simpson, "Bart's Comet"
