Here my Master interposing, said it was a Pity that Creatures endowed with such prodigious Abilities of Mind as these Lawyers, by the Description I gave of them, must certainly be, were not rather encouraged to be Instructors of others in Wisdom and Knowledge. In Answer to which, I assured his Honour, that in all Points out of their own Trade, they were usually the most Ignorant and stupid Generation among us, the most despicable in common Conversation, avowed Enemies to all Knowledge and Learning; and equally to pervert the general Reason of Mankind in every other Subject of Discourse, as in that of their own Profession. CHAPTER VI. A Continuation of the State of England. The Character of a first Minister. MY MASTER was yet wholly at a Loss to understand what Motives could incite this Race of Lawyers to perplex, disquiet, and weary themselves, and engage in a Confederacy of Injustice, merely for the Sake of injuring their Fellow-Animals; neither could he comprehend what I meant in saying they did it for Hire. Whereupon I was at much Pains to describe to him the Use of Money, the Materials it was made of, and the Value of the Metals, that when a Yahoo had got a great Store of this precious Substance, he was able to purchase whatever he had a Mind to; the finest Cloathing, the noblest Houses, great Tracts of Land, the most costly Meats and Drinks, and have his choice of the most beautiful Females. Therefore since Money alone, was able to perform all these Feats, our Yahoos thought, they could never have enough of it to spend or save, as they found themselves inclined from their natural Bent either to Profusion or Avarice. That the Rich Man enjoyed the Fruit of the Poor Man's Labour, and the Latter were a thousand to one in Proportion to the Former. That the Bulk of our People were forced to live miserably, by labouring every Day for small Wages to make a few live plentifully. I enlarged myself much on these and many other Particulars to the same Purpose: But his Honour was still to seek: For he went upon a Supposition that all Animals had a Title to their share in the Productions of the Earth, and especially those who presided over the rest. Therefore he desired I would let him know, what these costly Meats were, and how any of us happened to want them. Whereupon I enumerated as many sorts as came into my Head, with the various Methods of dressing them, which could not be done without sending Vessels by Sea to every Part of the World, as well for Liquors to Drink, as for Sauces, and innumerable other Conveniences. I assured him, that this whole Globe of Earth must be at least three times gone round, before one of our better Female Yahoos could get her Breakfast or a Cup to put it in. He said, That must needs be a miserable Country which cannot furnish Food for its own Inhabitants. But what he chiefly wondered at was how such vast Tracts of Grounds as I described should be wholly without Fresh-water, and the People put to the Necessity of sending over the Sea for Drink. I replied, that England (the dear Place of my Nativity) was computed to produce three times the Quantity of Food, more than its Inhabitants are able to consume, as well as Liquors extracted from Grain, or pressed out of the Fruit of certain Trees, which made excellent Drink, and the same Proportion in every other Convenience of Life. But in order to feed the Luxury and Intemperance of the Males, and the Vanity of the Females, we sent away the greatest Part of our necessary Things to other Countries, from whence in return we brought the Materials of Diseases, Folly, and Vice, to spend among ourselves. Hence it follows of Necessity, that vast Numbers of our People are compelled to seek their Livelihood by Begging, Robbing, Stealing, Cheating, Pimping, Forswearing, Flattering, Suborning, Forging, Gaming, Lying, Fawning, Hectoring, Voting, Scribbling, Stargazing, Poysoning, Whoring, Canting, Libelling, Free-thinking, and the like Occupations: Every one of which Terms, I was at much Pains to make him understand. That Wine was not imported among us from foreign Countries, to supply the want of Water or other Drinks, but because it was a sort of Liquid which made us merry, by putting us out of our Senses; diverted all melancholy Thoughts, begat wild extravagant Imaginations in the Brain, raised our Hopes, and banished our Fears, suspended every Office of Reason for a time, and deprived us of the use of our Limbs, till we fell into a profound Sleep; although it must be confessed, that we always awoke sick and dispirited, and that the use of this Liquor filled us with Diseases, which made our Lives uncomfortable and short. But beside all this, the Bulk of our People supported themselves by furnishing the Necessities and Conveniences of Life to the Rich, and to each other. For Instance, when I am at home and dressed as I ought to be, I carry on my Body the Workmanship of an Hundred Tradesmen; the Building and Furniture of my House employ as many more, and five times the Number to adorn my Wife. I was going on to tell him of another sort of People, who get their Livelihood by attending the Sick, having upon some Occasions informed his Honour that many of my Crew had died of Diseases. But here it was with the utmost Difficulty, that I brought him to apprehend what I meant. He could easily conceive, that a Houyhnhnm grew weak and heavy a few Days before his Death, or by some Accident might hurt a Limb. But that Nature, who works all Things to Perfection, should suffer any Pains to breed in our Bodies, he thought impossible, and desired to know the Reason of so unaccountable an Evil. I told him, we fed on a thousand Things which operated contrary to each other; that we ate when we were not hungry, and drank without the Provocation of Thirst; That we sate whole Nights drinking strong Liquors without eating a Bit, which disposed us to Sloth, inflamed our Bodies, and precipitated or prevented Digestion. That prostitute Female Yahoos acquired a certain Malady, which bred Rottenness in the Bones of those, who fell into their Embraces; That this and many other Diseases, were propagated from Father to Son, so that great Numbers come into the World with complicated Maladies upon them; that it would be endless to give him a Catalogue of all Diseases incident to human Bodies; for they could not be fewer than five or six hundred, spread over every Limb and Joynt; in short, every Part, external and intestine, having Diseases appropriated to them. To remedy which, there was a sort of People bred up among us, in the Profession or Pretense of curing the Sick. And because I had some Skill in the Faculty, I would in Gratitude to his Honour, let him know the whole Mystery and Method by which they proceed. Their Fundamental is, That all Diseases arise from Repletion, from which they conclude, that a great Evacuation of the Body is necessary, either through the natural Passage, or upwards at the Mouth. Their next Business is, from Herbs, Minerals, Gums, Oils, Shells, Salts, Juices, Seaweed, Excrements, Barks of Trees, Serpents, Toads, Frogs, Spiders, dead Men's Flesh and Bones, Birds, Beasts and Fishes, to form a Composition for Smell and Taste the most abominable, nauseous and detestable, they can possibly contrive, which the Stomach immediately rejects with loathing; and this they call a Vomit; or else from the same Storehouse, with some other Poysonous Additions, they command us to take in at the Orifice above or below, (just as the Physician then happens to be disposed) a Medicine equally annoying and disgustful to the Bowels; which relaxing the Belly, drives down all before it, and this they call a Purge or a Glyster. For Nature (as the Physicians alledge) having intended the superior anterior Orifice only for the intromission of Solids and Liquids, and the inferior for Ejection, these Artists ingeniously considering that in all Diseases Nature is forced out of her Seat; therefore to replace her in it, the Body must be treated in a Manner directly contrary, by interchanging the Use of each Orifice, forcing Solids and Liquids in at the Anus, and making Evacuations at the Mouth. But, besides real Diseases, we are subject to many that are only imaginary, for which the Physicians have invented imaginary Cures; these have their several Names, and so have the Drugs that are proper for them, and with these our Female Yahoos are always infested. One great Excellency in this Tribe is their Skill at Prognostics, wherein they seldom fail; their Predictions in real Diseases, when they rise to any Degree of Malignity, generally portending Death, which is always in their Power when Recovery is not: And therefore, upon any unexpected Signs of Amendment, after they have pronounced their Sentence, rather than be accused as false Prophets, they know how to approve their Sagacity to the World by a seasonable Dose. They are likewise of special Use to Husbands and Wives, who are grown weary of their Mates, to eldest Sons, to great Ministers of State, and often to Princes. I had formerly upon Occasion discoursed with my Master upon the Nature of Government in general, and particularly of our own excellent Constitution, deservedly the Wonder and Envy of the whole World. But having here Accidentally mentioned a Minister of State; he commanded me some time after to inform him, what Species of Yahoo I particularly meant by that Application. I told him, that a First or Chief Minister of State, whom I intended to describe, was a Creature wholly exempt from Joy and Grief, Love and Hatred, Pity and Anger; at least made use of no other Passions but a violent Desire of Wealth, Power, and Titles: That he applies his Words to all Uses, except to the Indication of his Mind; That he never tells a Truth, but with an Intent that you should take it for a Lye; nor a Lye, but with a Design that you should take it for a Truth; That those he speaks worst of behind their Backs, are in the surest way of Preferment; and whenever he begins to praise you to others or to your self, you are from that Day forlorn. The worst Mark you can receive is a Promise, especially when it is confirmed with an Oath; after which every wise Man retires, and gives over all Hopes. There are three Methods by which a Man may rise to be Chief Minister: The first is by knowing how with Prudence to dispose of a Wife, a Daughter, or a Sister: The second, by betraying or undermining his Predecessor: And the third is, by a furious Zeal in publick Assemblies against the Corruptions of the Court. But a wise Prince would rather chuse to employ those who practice the last of these Methods; because such Zealots prove always the most obsequious and subservient to the Will and Passions of their Master. That, these Ministers having all Employments at their Disposal, preserve themselves in Power by bribing the Majority of a Senate or great Council; and at last by an Expedient called an Act of Indemnity (whereof I described the Nature to him) they secure themselves from After-reckonings, and retire from the Publick, laden with the Spoils of the Nation. The Palace of a Chief Minister, is a Seminary to breed up others in his own Trade: The Pages, Lacquies, and Porter, by imitating their Master, become Ministers of State in their several Districts, and learn to excel in the three principal Ingredients, of Insolence, Lying, and Bribery. Accordingly, they have a Subaltern Court paid to them by Persons of the best Rank; and sometimes by the Force of Dexterity and Impudence, arrive through several Gradations to be Successors to their Lord. He is usually governed by a decayed Wench or favourite Footman, who are the Tunnels through which all Graces are conveyed, and may properly be called, in the last Resort, the Governors of the Kingdom. One Day in Discourse my Master, having heard me mention the Nobility of my Country, was pleased to make me a Compliment which I could not pretend to deserve: That he was sure, I must have been born of some Noble Family, because I far exceeded in Shape, Colour, and Cleanliness, all the Yahoos of his Nation, although I seemed to fail in Strength and Agility, which must be imputed to my different Way of Living from those other Brutes; and besides, I was not only endowed with the Faculty of Speech, but likewise with some Rudiments of Reason, to a Degree that with all his Acquaintance I passed for a Prodigy. He made me observe, that among the Houyhnhnms, the White, the Sorrel, and the Iron-grey were not so exactly shaped as the Bay, the Dapple-grey, and the Black; nor born with equal Talents of the Mind, or a Capacity to improve them; and therefore continued always in the Condition of Servants, without ever aspiring to match out of their own Race, which in that Country would be reckoned monstrous and unnatural. I made his Honour my most humble Acknowledgments for the good Opinion he was pleased to conceive of me; but assured him at the same time, that my Birth was of the lower Sort, having been born of plain honest Parents, who were just able to give me a tolerable Education: That Nobility among us was altogether a different Thing from the Idea he had of it; That our young Noblemen are bred from their Childhood in Idleness and Luxury; that as soon as Years will permit, they consume their Vigour, and contract odious Diseases among lewd Females; and when their Fortunes are almost ruined, they marry some woman of mean Birth, disagreeable Person, and unsound Constitution, merely for the Sake of Money, whom they hate and despise. That the Productions of such Marriages are generally scrophulous, ricketty, or deformed Children; by which Means the Family seldom continues above Three Generations, unless the Wife takes Care to provide a healthy Father among her Neighbours, or Domesticks, in order to improve and continue the Breed. That a weak diseased Body, a meager Countenance, and sallow Complexion, are no uncommon Marks of a Great Man; and a healthy robust Appearance is so far disgraceful in a Man of Quality, that the World is apt to conclude his real Father to have been one of the Inferiors of the Family, especially when it is seen that the Imperfections of his Mind run parallel with those of his Body; and are little else than a Composition of Spleen, Dullness, Ignorance, Caprice, Sensuality, and Pride. CHAPTER VII. The Author's great Love of his Native Country. His Master's Observations upon the Constitution and Administration of England, as described by the Author, with parallel Cases and Comparisons. His Master's Observations upon human Nature. THE READER may be disposed to wonder how I could prevail on myself to give so free a Representation of my own Species, among a Race of Mortals who were already too apt to conceive the vilest Opinion of human Kind from that entire Congruity betwixt me and their Yahoos. But I must freely confess, that the many Virtues of those excellent Quadrupeds placed in opposite View to human Corruptions, had so far opened my Eyes and enlightened my Understanding, that I began to view the Actions and Passions of Man in a very different Light, and to think the Honour of my own Kind not worth managing; which, besides, it was impossible for me to do before a Person of so acute a Judgment as my Master, who daily convinced me of a thousand Faults in myself, whereof I had not the least Perception before, and which among us would never be numbered even among human Infirmities, I had likewise learned from his Example an utter Detestation of all Falsehood or Disguise; and Truth appeared so amiable to me, that I determined upon sacrificing every thing to it. Let me deal so candidly with the Reader, as to confess, that there was yet a much stronger Motive for the Freedom I took in my Representation of Things. I had not been a Year in this Country, before I contracted such a Love and Veneration for the Inhabitants, that I entered on a firm Resolution, never to return to human Kind, but to pass the rest of my Life among these admirable Houyhnhnms in the Contemplation and Practice of every Virtue; where I could have no Example or Incitement to Vice. But it was decreed by Fortune, my perpetual Enemy, that so great a Felicity should not fall to my Share. However, it is now some Comfort to reflect, that in what I said of my Countrymen, I extenuated their Faults as much as I durst before so strict an Examiner, and upon every Article, gave as favourable a Turn as the Matter would bear. For, indeed, who is there alive that will not be swayed by his Byass and Partiality to the Place of his Birth? I have related the Substance of several Conversations I had with my Master, during the greatest part of the Time I had the Honour to be in his Service, but have indeed for Brevity sake omitted much more than is here set down. When I had answered all his Questions, and his Curiosity seemed to be fully satisfied; he sent for me one Morning early, and commanded me to sit down at some Distance, (an Honour which he had never before conferred upon me) he said, He had been very seriously considering my whole Story, as far as it related both to myself and my Country: That he looked upon us as sort of Animals to whose Share, by what Accident he could not conjecture, some small Pittance of Reason had fallen, whereof we made no other Use than by its Assistance to aggravate our natural Corruptions, and to acquire new ones which Nature had not given us: That we disarmed ourselves of the few Abilities she had bestowed, had been very successful in multiplying our original Wants, and seemed to spend our whole Lives in vain Endeavours to supply them by our own Inventions. That as to myself, it was manifest I had neither the Strength or Agility of a common Yahoo, that I walked infirmly on my hinder Feet, had found out a Contrivance to make my Claws of no Use or Defence, and to remove the Hair from my Chin, which was intended as a shelter from the Sun and the Weather. Lastly, That I could neither run with Speed, nor climb Trees like my Brethren (as he called them) the Yahoos in this Country. That our Institutions of Government and Law were plainly owing to our gross Defects in Reason, and by Consequence, in Vertue; because Reason alone is sufficient to govern a Rational Creature; which was therefore a Character we had no Pretense to challenge, even from the Account I had given of my own People, although he manifestly perceived, that in order to favour them, I had concealed many Particulars, and often said the Thing which was not. He was the more confirmed in this Opinion, because he observed, that as I agreed in every Feature of my Body with other Yahoos, except where it was to my real Disadvantage in point of Strength, Speed and Activity, the shortness of my Claws, and some other Particulars where Nature had no Part; so from the Representation I had given him of our Lives, our Manners, and our Actions, he found as near a Resemblance in the Disposition of our Minds. He said the Yahoos were known to hate one another more than they did any different Species of Animals; and the Reason usually assigned, was the Odiousness of their own Shapes, which all could see in the rest, but not in themselves. He had therefore begun to think it not unwise in us to cover our Bodies, and by that Invention, conceal many of our own Deformities from each other, which would else be hardly supportable. But, he now found he had been mistaken, and that the Dissensions of those Brutes in his Country were owing to the same Cause with ours, as I had described them. For, if (said he) you throw among Five Yahoos as much Food as would be sufficient for Fifty, they will, instead of eating peaceably, fall together by the Ears, each single one impatient to have all to itself; and therefore a Servant was usually employed to stand by while they were feeding abroad, and those kept at home were tied at a Distance from each other: that if a Cow died of Age or Accident, before a Houyhnhnm could secure it for his own Yahoos, those in the Neighbourhood would come in Herds to seize it, and then would ensue such a Battle as I had described, with terrible Wounds made by their Claws on both Sides, although they seldom were able to kill one another, for want of such convenient Instruments of Death as we had invented. At other times the like Battles have been fought between the Yahoos of several Neighbourhoods without any visible Cause: Those of one District watching all Opportunities to surprize the next before they are prepared. But if they find their Project hath miscarried, they return home, and for want of Enemies, engage in what I call a Civil War among themselves. That in some Fields of his Country there are certain shining Stones of several Colours, whereof the Yahoos are violently fond, and when part of these Stones is fixed in the Earth, as it sometimes happeneth, they will dig with their Claws for whole Days to get them out, then carry them away, and hide them by Heaps in their Kennels; but still looking round with great Caution, for Fear their Comrades should find out their Treasure. My Master said, he could never discover the Reason of this unnatural Appetite, or how these Stones could be of any Use to a Yahoo; but now he believed it might proceed from the same Principle of Avarice which I had ascribed to Mankind: that he had once, by way of Experiment, privately removed a Heap of these Stones from the Place where one of his Yahoos had buried it: Whereupon, the sordid Animal missing his Treasure, by his loud lamenting brought the whole Herd to the Place, there miserably howled, then fell to biting and tearing the rest, began to pine away, would neither eat, nor sleep, nor work, till he ordered a Servant privately to convey the Stones into the same Hole, and hide them as before; which when his Yahoo had found, he presently recovered his Spirits and good Humour, but took good Care to remove them to a better hiding-place, and hath ever since been a very serviceable Brute. My Master farther assured me, which I also observed myself, that in the Fields where the shining Stones abound, the fiercest and most frequent Battles are fought, occasioned by perpetual inroads of the neighbouring Yahoos. He said, it was common when two Yahoos discovered such a Stone in a Field, and were contending which of them should be the Proprietor, a third would take the Advantage, and carry it away from them both; which my Master would needs contend to have some kind of Resemblance with our Suits at Law; wherein I thought it for our Credit not to undeceive him; since the Decision he mentioned was much more equitable than many Decrees among us: Because the Plaintiff and Defendant there lost nothing beside the Stone they contended for, whereas our Courts of Equity, would never have dismissed the Cause while either of them had any thing left. My Master, continuing his Discourse, said, There was nothing that rendered the Yahoos more odious, than their undistinguishing Appetite to devour every Thing that came in their way, whether Herbs, Roots, Berries, the corrupted Flesh of Animals, or all mingled together: And it was peculiar in their Temper, that they were fonder of what they could get by Rapine or Stealth at a greater Distance, than much better Food provided for them at home. If their Prey held out, they would eat till they were ready to burst, after which Nature had pointed out to them a certain Root that gave them a general Evacuation. There was also another kind of Root very juicy, but somewhat rare and difficult to be found, which the Yahoos sought for with much Eagerness, and would suck it with great Delight; and it produced in them the same Effects that Wine hath upon us. It would make them sometimes hug, sometimes tear one another, they would howl and grin, and chatter, and tumble, and then fall asleep in the Dirt. I did indeed observe, that the Yahoos were the only Animals in this Country subject to any Diseases; which however, were much fewer than Horses have among us, and contracted not by any ill Treatment they meet with, but by the Nastiness, and Greediness of that sordid Brute. Neither has their Language any more than a general Appellation for those Maladies, which is borrowed from the Name of the Beast, and called Hnea-Yahoo, or the Yahoo's Evil, and the Cure prescribed is a mixture of their own Dung and Urine forcibly put down the Yahoo's Throat. This I have since often taken myself, and do freely recommend it to my Countrymen, for the publick Good, as an admirable Specifick against all Diseases produced by Repletion. As to Learning, Government, Arts, Manufactures, and the like, my Master confessed he could find little or no Resemblance between the Yahoos of that Country and those in ours. For, he only meant to observe what Parity there was in our Natures. He had heard indeed some curious Houyhnhnms observe, that in most Herds there was a sort of ruling Yahoo (as among us there is generally some leading or principal Stag in a park), who was always more deformed in Body and mischievous in Disposition, than any of the rest. That this Leader had usually a Favourite as like himself as he could get, whose Employment was to lick his Master's Feet and Posteriors, and drive the Female Yahoos to his Kennel; for which he was now and then rewarded with a piece of Ass's Flesh. This Favourite is hated by the whole Herd, and therefore to protect himself, keeps always near the Person of his Leader. He usually continues in Office till worse can be found; but the very Moment he is discarded, his Successor at the Head of all the Yahoos in that District, Young and Old, Male and Female, come in a Body, and discharge their Excrements upon him from Head to Foot. But how far this might be applicable to our Courts and Favourites, and Ministers of State, my Master said I could best determine. I dared make no Return to this malicious Insinuation, which debased human Understanding below the Sagacity of a common Hound, who has Judgment enough to distinguish and follow the Cry of the ablest Dog in the Pack, without being ever mistaken. My Master told me, there were some Qualities remarkable in the Yahoos, which he had not observed me to mention, or at least very slightly, in the Accounts I had given him of human kind; he said, Those Animals, like other Brutes, had their Females in common; but in this they differed, that the She-Yahoo would admit the Male, while she was pregnant; and that the Hees would quarrel and fight with Females as fiercely as with each other. Both which Practices were such Degrees of Brutality, that no other sensitive Creature ever arrived at. Another thing he wondered at in the Yahoos, was their strange Disposition to Nastiness and Dirt, whereas there appears to be a natural Love of Cleanliness in all other Animals. As to the two former Accusations, I was glad to let them pass without any Reply, because I had not a Word to offer upon it in Defence of my Species, which otherwise I certainly had done from my own Inclinations. But I could have easily vindicated Human Kind from the Imputation of Singularity upon Article, if there had been any Swine in that Country (as unluckily for me there were not) which although it may be a sweeter Quadruped than a Yahoo, cannot I humbly conceive in Justice pretend to more Cleanliness; and so his Honour himself must have owned, if he had seen their filthy way of feeding, and their Custom of wallowing and sleeping in the Mud. My Master likewise mentioned another Quality which his Servants had discovered in several Yahoos, and to him was wholly unaccountable. He said, a Fancy would sometimes take a Yahoo, to retire into a Corner, to lie down and howl, and groan, and spurn away all that came near him, although he were young and fat, wanted neither Food nor Water; nor could the Servants imagine what could possibly ail him. And the only Remedy they found was to set him to hard Work, after which he would infallibly come to himself. To this I was silent out of Partiality to my own Kind; yet here I could plainly discover the true seeds of Spleen, which only seize on the Lazy, the Luxurious, and the Rich; who, if they were forced to undergo the same Regimen, I would undertake for the Cure. His Honour had further observed, that a Female-Yahoo would often stand behind a Bank or a Bush, to gaze on the young Males passing by, and then appear, and hide, using many antick Gestures and Grimaces, at which time it was observed, that she had a most offensive Smell; and when any of the Males advanced, would slowly retire, looking often back, and with a counterfeit shew of Fear; run off into some convenient Place where she knew the Male would follow her. At other times if a Female Stranger came among them, Three or Four of her own Sex would get about her, and stare and chatter, and grin, and smell her all over; and then turn off with Gestures that seemed to express Contempt and Disdain.